Important Things You Should Know About Me

I am luscious.

My physical beauty can be intimidating. As a consequence I have learned to pose in a manner that photographs in a shorter, wider and more hairless fashion.

Musical ignorance often causes the first-time listener to carelessly characterize my singing voice as “off-key”, when in fact “asynchronous atonality” would be a better, more purposeful description.

I would tell second-time listeners this, should they return.

Extreme bone density gifts me with incredible tensile strength. A minor side effect: Scales often report my weight erroneously. It’s a small price to pay to be this special.

I have deliberately pursued an all-organic musculature, masterfully capturing in miniature the curvature of the earth. It is the source of much warm commentary and some wonderment as I take my seat on many airplane flights.

I view my blood pressure as I would my savings account. Slow steady growth is regrettable, but inevitable in the current environment.

I believe a man’s home is his castle. The presence of a waste-filled moat or a few missing windows ensures historical veracity regardless of how Health Department invective would choose to describe it.

I also believe what one does in his own home — even if it is in brightly colored boxers in the absence of window treatments — is one’s own business, no matter what certain Victorian neighbors think.

It builds character to not tip the paperboy. It builds more character not to pay him at all.

A tip envelope, if carefully placed, can actually stay balanced on top of a log in a waste-filled moat. Not so much a paperboy. It’s an important learning moment.

Much food is wasted at any good restaurant. Consuming what others leave behind is both economical and laudable. It’s eco-friendly.

One should take care to distinguish between diners who have left the restaurant and those who have merely left to use the restroom, as some confusion can result if they return while you are recycling.

A good way to determine this is to check for the presence of a tip for the waiter. This also presents an opportunity to build character for the waiter.

Romantic relationships require lots of time and attention, but not too much time and attention. Restraining orders provide helpful guidance on this point.

I truly believe you can be anything you want to be. After all, that’s what the internet was invented for.  Again, restraining orders provide helpful guidance on this point.

I am very close to my parents. That is the benefit of a house having both an attic and basement. Both can be cozy, depending on the season. And good behavior.

I pride myself on being a good host.

This entry was posted in Humor, Satire, Tidbits and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Important Things You Should Know About Me

  1. Lisa says:

    Other important things you should know about you: You suspect the heavy lead novelty banks you collected so enthusiastically in your youth are now part of the reason for your sporadic memory loss. You panic when trying to remember your favorite author… is it Sinclair Lewis, Upton Sinclair, or Jerry Lewis?

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