Ten Things Television Has Taught Me

10.) Nine out of ten of us will die in a manner requiring a procedurally vague autopsy. The public will generally attend to help direct the Medical Examiner. The tenth person will be either a cyborg or a space alien. They will be very annoyed when they catch their fake skin on something (often a bullet) revealing their shiny undercarriage.

9.) We love looking at nature almost as much as we love eating it. For every living thing that crawls, hops, swims, canters or waves in the breeze  there is a matching slow-motion documentary and hopeful mouth, waiting to lecture us about how to prepare said life before popping it into aforementioned mouth and consuming it.

8.) We are very afraid of something eating us and like to watch others in situations where they escape this fate at the jaws and paws of alligators, polar bears and sharks. The cyborgs could care less about this fact but the aliens are very, very interested. As a race, we may have to accept that, we too, taste like chicken.

7.) Doctors never think inside the box. They are creatures of impulse, who must fight those who have been exhaustively trained to carefully eliminate possible false leads. They are deeply eccentric and not prone to procedural methods. Also, the more brilliant they are, the less likely they remember to shave.

6.) Stand-up comedians on late night talk shows  look like television news anchors, television news anchors earlier in the night look like catalogue models and actual models look mostly to launch fragrance lines, as it is hard for a smell to lose its looks.

5.) Although the great pyramid and space shuttle were interesting diversions, the real purpose of millions of years of human evolution and thousands of years of human engineering have been dedicated to  a single, important goal: A really close shave. All men and many women’s legs know this to be true. As do the cyborgs and space aliens, who are universally shiny or smooth.

4.) Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook which enables TMI (too much information) about people you don’t know to be indexed on a global database, Oprah created all other forms of communication and The Donald invented Trump, which is a type of licensed brand of superlative self-importance. New York is particularly large consumer of this brand.

3.) On television women long to surprise men by joining them in the shower and frequently do so. This results only in a prolonged kissing before the commercial break. Men also long to surprise women by joining them in the shower and frequently do so. This results in the men starring in their own procedurally vague autopsy after the commercial break.

2.) Real life is often boring; reality television, more so. Fun fact: If you place two television monitors so they face one another, each playing a different reality show, it will produce an effect of infinite progression, similar to standing in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. If one of the programs playing on the televisions features Donald Trump, the progression effect will be greater than Versailles. It will, in fact be the greatest effect of all time. Ever. Especially in New York.

10.) Crime is on the rise, with the incidence of mugging skyrocketing. Children, sadly, are most often the perpetrators, and have a natural advantage. With their defenseless, oversized heads mounted on their undersized bodies, they only need the circumstance of an eponymously named half-hour program on the Disney channel to serve as the tipping point to a regrettable life of spastic, overloud reaction shots. As their jazz-hands windmill, their eyes bulge and their small mouths present a rictus of manufactured glee battering the viewer for a big laugh, it is perhaps the saddest lesson television has taught me. Also, they are millionaires before they reach puberty, never a very good combination.

Blueprint for Higher Learning: Farnsworth's TV Patent

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